Sunday, March 15, 2009

Mothers Of Sons

"It's a boy."

That one statement then sets off a series of unfortunate incidences - the automatic dispersal of the mother's apron strings which gently but tenaciously wind themselves around the tiny boy child's body with a ferocity that will never diminish, her heart beat resigns itself to be entirely dependant on his, her self worth will now be judged only by the sacrifices she makes for him and her heart vows to always cook his favourite foods, keep shrewd girls (in case you didn't get it, that includes all girls) away from him and to wash his clothes and keep track of his multiple fungal infections until her own body is being lowered six feet under. Her dying breath will bring thoughts not of her life and her deeds but about who will comb her baby boy's hair just right and who will heat his milk with tumeric for him every morning. She might even extend her dying breath to instruct the cook on how to adjust the milk and tumeric just the way her baby likes it. Meanwhile, the baby boy who may have just celebrated his 38th birthday will sit morosely wondering how he will make decisions without his mother and darn it, who will now take his clothes to the laundry and help him wash behind his ears. He may also realise with a sinking heart that he will have to start being nicer to his wife (yes, she does exist, but you wouldn't know it) because she would now have to go from being part of the wall paper, to being his surrogate mother!

I wonder about this. Mothers who are obsessed with their sons. I would have thought one would go to great lengths to hide this affliction, but obviously I know nothing about these things. To most of these mothers, it's a matter of huge pride to be head over heels in love with their son.

My friend Ashish's mother is a perfect example of this.

"I am telling Ashish to get married," so says Mrs. Girodia.

"Does he have a girl in mind?" I ask cautiously. Ashish's marriage is of huge concern to me, he is the designated odd man out who always gets invited so we can get our group's number right. Marriage would totally screw that.

"No, no, I only will select the girl for him. Problem is he is so good looking and smart, any girl will be so lucky to have him," she says and her eyes actually glaze over as if she has inhaled some Grade A cocaine.

I look at Ashish wondering if I just haven't taken a close enough look at him, but no, he still looks like a mouse with constipation. The last time he smiled with 2004, and because we weren't quick enough with a camera we have nothing to show for it.

"There are very few boys like him now," she says wistfully.

I think there are way too many boys like him, who are nothing more than average and cannot rise above it because their mothers have managed to convinced them that they are already the best. But I wisely nod and bite my tongue.

Ashish got married 8 months later and nothing has changed. His poor wife only looks downwards (she has a PhD in his ingrown toenails, me thinks) and his mother is still the ONLY woman in his life.

It's so much more pragmatic with girls. True, mothers are over protective. True, many mothers are obsessed with their daughters' virtue (sic). But there comes a point when mothers just let their daughters be. They are allowed to manage their own eating habits and hygiene issues, pack their own suitcases and make their own beds. Show me a twenty five year old fellow living at home, and I'll show you a mother who is still making his bed.

My friend Prerna is a few years older than I. Although she had a child very young, she recently got married to a man in his 40s. While she thought she knew everything about him, she ended up learning all the important things only after they were married.

- His mother irons his underwear.

- His mother goes with him for his physicals with the doctor, irrespective of the body part being examined.

- His mother decides when he needs privacy and when not. She questions why the door to his room stays locked so much more now!

- His mother needs to be the last person to hug him before he leaves the house. She says it brings him good luck. As far as Prerna can see, it has caused him to lose two jobs, one car and one expensive watch.

"Why is she so damn possessive of him," Prerna fumes as she folds her son's laundry. "Why does she insist on doing everything for him with such perfection."

I cannot answer because I am so distracted by what Prerna herself is doing. She is ironing her fourteen year old son's underwear. As he bounds into the room, she hands him a freshly ironed one, still hot to touch and looks at him with such abandon joy before he disappears to change. Why is it that mothers think their sons' underwear is like chappati, best when had fresh and hot. And since everyone is in the throes of maternal love, I decide against pointing out what warm underwear can do his sperm levels!!

And thus the precious circle of possessive and obsessive mothers continues.

Speaking of these mothers, they also say the darnest things:

" My Karan, he is so naughty you know. Always playful, always so affectionate."
Karan is a eight year old boy who was reprimanded for pinching his teacher's bottom!

"My son loves me very much. He doesn't trouble me like other boys do. He calls us every week from London."
Her son has been taking a truckload of money from her, claiming to study in a college that he has never enrolled in. His phone calls are all money requests, albeit camouflaged in a bit of "I miss ya, ma."

"All the girls who meet my son want to marry him. But that silly boy is so romantic. He is still looking for that special someone."
That 'silly boy' has been rejected by over twenty five girls because he proudly informs them that his mother still occasionally ties his shoe laces for him. One girl even asked him if his mother still changes his diaper for him.

They reject her just after she rejects them.

"Look at my son. So good looking. A little plump but still so handsome. Just the other day, Suresh mama was saying he looks just like me."
Mother and son are both 110 kgs. Nothing personal against weight, but I have yet to find a mother who says her 110kg daughter is so good looking, tsk tsk.

"My son always wants me around. He is so lazy. Without me, he is useless, you know."
He is actually useless at all times, but his mother will never get it.

A relative sums it up better than I ever could. She had a twenty eight year old son who travels the world, sits at board meetings, manages mind boggling and life threatening dating schedules. Yet, she needs to tell him when to change his bedsheets (Sheesh, one would have thought a Standford MBA means that you have enough common sense to tell a dirty sheet from a clean one) and then before he can move his lazy ass from his computer chair, she has already jumped up and done it for him and is basking in the thanks she imagines she can see in his eyes.

It is simple she says, "If I can do it, he cannot."

Famous last words from the proud momma.


Idling in Top Gear said...

Where are these overly spoiling moms? Please, someone show me one! I am an only child and all I get is "Aren't you old enough to make your own bed?" every morning! :D

Sheesh, one would have thought a Standford MBA means that you have enough common sense to tell a dirty sheet from a clean one

Having known quite a few Stanford grads, I would beg to differ. :D

Che said...

Good you dont know my mother!
On the other hand if you did know her, the list of complaints she has against me would probably make you wish you didnt!

DewdropDream said...

Oh dear gawd I can never say enough about spoilt mamma's boys. That whole relationship seems so delusional and self-obsessed! And no matter how much people go on and on about 'daddy-complexes', they're never as bad as this. Girls do find their wings always, much earlier too. Mothers and their sons... sometimes they can make one feel rather claustrophobic.

Very well written!

Gradwolf said...

exactly, like IITG asked, where are these over spoiling moms? And don't even get me started on those mommy bloggers!!

On the other hand, my mom regrets not having a daughter...

kusublakki said...

There are so many tales of spoiled boys! A friend once told me that its more important to understand and bond with your boy's mom rather than your boy himself!

Nice post :)

Preeti Sharma said...

Hehe this is so funny. All the boys are up in arms! It's called denial my friends :-)

IITG - What? You're slumming it out? If you were a girl, you would probably be making your own bed at home about ten years ago!

Che Che Che - Even mother's have their limits:-)

DewdropDream - The daddy complexes could be why the mothers do the extra mothering...compensating for all the competitive male spirit in the house.

Gradwolf - Your mom will probably whack you across your head for not recognising that she has been spoiling you. I repeat - denial.

Kusublakki - All depends on the boy...and the mom. Definitely true for mothers and sons who are stuck at the hip.

Gradwolf said...

lol, no, really, I've not known any of the guys like Ashish or Prerna's husband. Because I've not heard of anyone ironing underwears. I am not even sure if it is your exaggeration or you literally mean it!Probably because neither me nor any of my friends lived with parents after school. I always identify with most of your posts, but this one, sadly is one generation before mine.

sanely insane said...

ahem ahem somebody took a pot shot at momma's boys and their momma's

i'm one...and i have half a dozen friends who are ones...

but it seems only u ended up meeting all the wierdos :P

balancing a mom and wife is like balancing between two girls...most smart men learn early on to let both pamper him as much as they can and to pamper both of them back...albeit in different way ;)

Preeti Sharma said...

Gradwolf - I swear the ironing of underwears and the rest of it is true:-) But not all parents show their pride by doing physical things. Sometimes it's in the way they talk about their son when he's not around, or the way they attribute more to him than is true or the way they are blind to his faults. True, all this happens with daughters too, but just that it's a little more so with mothers and sons. I come from a very liberal background and I still see this in families of so many people I know. It may not always be outwardly evident but definitely comes out at certain times like marriages or visits with relatives and it ends up being funny because you actually know what these guys are like or what they're doing in life and their mothers try and make it sound a lot better. In my experience, most guys who have stayed alone for a while share a more healthy relationship with their parents.

Sanely Insane - But almost everyone I know will admit that there is a certain tenacity to the relationship between mothers and their sons. There has to be a reason why so many girls get stressed out about getting along with the boy's mother and not his father!

Sandhya said...

P, loved the piece! I don't know where you meet all these people (hey I have two sons!!) Seriously though I couldn't agree more with your last comment - as a daughter-in-law I do all the running around for the m-i-l but guess who gets all the credit?

Preeti Sharma said...

Sandhya - Look on the bright side - you earn tonnes of brownie points with the husband ;-)

DewdropDream said...

Really? I can't find myself agreeing there actually. They're just two very disparate things, IMHO.

Preeti Sharma said...

Dewdrop Dream - Well the connection is only to the extent that fathers can sometimes be over ambitious for their sons or expect too much from them and then it is often the mothers who compensate for this. Beyond that, I don't think there is anything deeper between these two things.

All - Love the discussion this has thrown up. A far cry from the generic 'Good post' comment!

nandita said...

HEHEE- comparison of underwear to chapati- priceless!!! Is this story fact or fiction - i am curious!

Preeti Sharma said...

Nandita - It's an editorial piece. and on a topic like this who needs fiction when fact itself is so strange.

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

Mom of two boys here.

There. 'Nuff said!

Preeti Sharma said...

B - Well said.

DewdropDream said...

OH! I get that now... but I rather meant a daddy-complex in relation to girls, you know how they're supposedly going on and on and on about how wonderful their fathers are... I still say they aren't as bad as stuck-on-each other mothers and sons! Which doesn't apply to all mothers and all sons of course :)

Mama - Mia said...

preeti - ah well! just hoping i am not like this! :p

hubby's mom wanted to check on everything we did even long distance. but hse realised how futile her efforts were soon enough! thank god for that! :p

@gradwolf - Bah for faltu mein getting upset with mommy bloggers! dont like it, dont read it! :p



Preeti Sharma said...

Dewdrop Dream - Phew! Now we're finally on the same chain of thought. Hurray:-)

Mama-mia - Ahem, all's well that ends well!!

Tom Costello said...

Hello Preeti,
I work for an independent production company in London, and we are doing a series about the relationship between sons and their mothers. I found your article very funny, and I was hoping that I could speak to you a little more about this topic. Do you live in India full time? If so, perhaps you have some friends in the UK that fit this criteria?

Anonymous said...

I love your post!! I recently filed for divorce from a person suffering from mother-fixation, he couldn't consummate our marriage!His mother used to bleach is stained white underwear when we were at her place!

Anonymous said...

Great article! You are right about the vicious cycle of obsessive motherhood. The catalyst seems to be a troubled marital relationship. If a woman isn't getting the attention she seeks from her husband (often because he's in the clutches of his own possessive mother), she will transfer her affections from her husband to her son. I wish there was some way to break the cycle.

Anonymous said...

My Mother-in-Law has trumped up charges against me three times while she spends her meager retirement on her "baby" boy who is currently in Mexico with an expired Visa leaving the states because he refused to pay for his five childrens child support. This woman(?) sold my Husband a house for an outlandish amount of money, bought a trailer just 3.8 miles from her old house to rescue my husband from me so of course he bought the house or she would have been screwed even more financially.
She was "suppose" to immediately leave the area. Six years later here she is, still trying to get me out of here.
I would leave, but her son refuses to assist and I won't crawl under a rock to make either of them happy. I guess it's called: The War of Son's...

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